The Orgasm Project: Background

10/25/09

Background

In a society where…

* “Boys will be boys” and women are taught to be (hetero)sexual gatekeepers, and controlling our bodies (what it looks like, what it wants and who touches it) is so prescribed that women can have trouble letting go, or feel ashamed if unable to look, want, or be touched in the “right” ways

* Magazines like Cosmo juxtapose articles like "How to Look Good Naked" with headlines like “Have Your Best O Ever” without a hint of irony

* Female bodies are used as currency to sell goods (or sold as goods) and are commented on as though they are not ours but public property, or as though what we look like says something about our personalities or our worth

…it is easy to lose sight of female agency and female pleasure. Which means it’s really a miracle any of us have orgasms at all. Who teaches women about female orgasm? Not sex ed. Not our parents (at least not mine). Not TV. Not porn. Not men. It can be something we learn for ourselves – but it can be hard to even know where to start.

Quotes and Resources

In case you aren’t convinced that the cultural absence of emphasis on female pleasure sort of a big deal - these people are:

"Although most boys figure out how to bring themselves to orgasm by age thirteen, half of girls don't have their first orgasm until their late teens, twenties, or beyond...The cultural focus on intercourse tells young women to expect they'll begin to experience sexual pleasure once they have sex with a man (whether or not they're even interested in sex with men). Nearly all teen boys, on the other hand, experience sexual pleasure long before they get their hands - or other body parts - into a partner's pants.

Despite the massive advances in women's equality, young women's sexuality is stuck in a surprising paradox. Young women are sold provocative clothes but aren't taught where to find their own clitoris. Many girls give their boyfriends oral sex, but are too uncomfortable with their own bodies to allow the guys to return the favor. It's still a radical act to say that women need and deserve access to information about their own sexual pleasure - not just about the risks and negative consequences of sex."

-Dorian Solot & Marshall Miller, I Heart Female Orgasm: An Extraordinary Orgasm Guide

"Lacking the words to describe our sexual desires and arousal, our feelings of desire, of wanting to connect physically and sexually, these feelings are often ‘translated’ into the more acceptable feelings of being wanted, words of romance, love intimacy, and even enticement...[We] are bombarded by media images that promote sexual availability but also clear social condemnation of girls and women who express sexual agency – who act on their own feelings and think of themselves as well as their partner in a sexual situations.

This script is so strongly sanctioned in our society that it produces tension between being sexy but not being sexual. And so it’s understandable that girls enter adulthood feeling confused and not knowing how to be sexual in a positive way. Our social scripts actually preempt basic recognition of our sexual needs or rights...Women are only taught how to say 'no,' not how to say 'yes.'"

-Deborah L. Tolman, Ed.D., Meg I. Striepe, Ph.D, and Lucia F. O’Sullivan, PhD. “How do we define sexual health for women?” The Complete Guide to Mental Health for Women

“Women [are taught to] to view their bodies as objects, things to be evaluated and commented upon. Women seem to relate to their bodies from the outside, as the image they see in a mirror or reflected in another’s eyes. Because women, from girlhood on, are constantly judged and evaluated on the basis of the appearance…they internalize such a perspective…[This] habitual self-monitoring of the body increases women’s shame and anxiety while reducing awareness of internal bodily states.

Looking at your body as an object is in contrast to relating to your body as a process, an experience rather than a thing. It’s the difference between ‘feeling strong’ and ‘looking good.’ When you feel strong, you’re aware of what your body can do; when you look good, you’re aware of your image.”

-Basow, Susan A., Ph.D. “Body Image.” The Complete Guide to Mental Health for Women

"This is what people don’t understand. That is part of the confusion and the shame. Most people want to know – was there penetration, was there intercourse, but what really destroys people with molestation is the shame, guilt, and confusion because most abusers are people you love. If someone is abusing or torturing you, causing you pain, you are far more likely to tell someone. But when you are a child, if you are seduced, and someone does it well, it feels good. And people say, if it felt good, you must have wanted it. And that is not the case. It’s abuse regardless of how it felt at the time that it was happening."

-Oprah Winfrey

"Suppressing female sexual agency is a key element of rape culture, and therefore...fostering genuine female sexual autonomy is necessary in fighting back against it...Clearly this is just one part of a much larger struggle - we don't believe that empowering female sexuality is the answer to dismantling rape culture, or that it will stop all rape, nor is sexual freedom the only cost of rape. But until we start shining a light on all the dark corners of sexual shame and blame projected onto us by American culture, we're going to keep spinning our wheels.”

-Jaclyn Friedman & Jessica Valenti. Yes Means Yes: Visions of Female Sexual Power & A World Without Rape.

The Orgasm Project

10/25/09

Background

Anthology of Women's Stories about First Orgasm

Questions or ideas?

Quotes and Resources