The Orgasm Project

10/25/09

CALL FOR SUBMISSIONS

I’m collecting women’s stories of first orgasm - or lack thereof. I want to know as much as you feel comfortable telling me – who, what, when, where, how, and why. Was it with someone else or by yourself? How old were you? What did you use (were any accessories, toys, lubes, pictures, etc) involved in the process), and how did you do it? But most of all, in your opinion, why was this time the first time – or why has there been no first time?

Background

In a society where…

* “Boys will be boys” and women are taught to be (hetero)sexual gatekeepers, and controlling our bodies (what it looks like, what it wants and who touches it) is so prescribed that women can have trouble letting go, or feel ashamed if unable to look, want, or be touched in the “right” ways

* Magazines like Cosmo juxtapose articles like "How to Look Good Naked" with headlines like “Have Your Best O Ever” without a hint of irony

* Female bodies are used as currency to sell goods (or sold as goods) and are commented on as though they are not ours but public property, or as though what we look like says something about our personalities or our worth

…it is easy to lose sight of female agency and female pleasure. Which means it’s really a miracle any of us have orgasms at all. Who teaches women about female orgasm? Not sex ed. Not our parents (at least not mine). Not TV. Not porn. Not men. It can be something we learn for ourselves – but it can be hard to even know where to start.

SUBMIT TO THE ORGASM PROJECT

I’m hoping to make a collection that ultimately we can publish, to show the complexities women face in being sexual and to celebrate what our bodies are capable of. What constitutes healthy sexuality is different for each of us, but for all of us it means a familiarity with ourselves and what we like.

TO SUBMIT YOUR STORY:

Write down whatever comes to mind for you to write regarding your first orgasm (whether first while identifying as a woman, first while in a female body, or both, and whether it’s a story of an orgasm occurring or a lack of first orgasm) and send it to orgasmproject@gmail.com with your name, contact information, and your age/year when the story takes place.

FIRST DEADLINE:

Thanksgiving (November 26th, 2009). Early entries encouraged. Rolling submissions accepted. Future deadlines to be posted.

LENGTH:

For deadline one, no requirements. In this round, I am just collecting stories for me, to compile and see if this has as much potential to be powerful and important as I think it does. If you send me a story, I promise that no one will read it besides me - so take a chance! See what your story is; let yourself write it out without judgment and you may be surprised at what comes out. I would love to talk with you about it even if you decide you don't want it to move beyond this round.

PRIVACY:

Ultimately, for the collection I am envisioning publishing, I would like to honor the contributors in the back of the book with bios, but for the stories to appear anonymously, marked only by the author’s age and place (either at orgasm or at writing). These are intimate stories, and this project shouldn’t be about revealing something intimate about several individuals but making a mosaic that together can say something about as many different women’s experiences as possible. However, I ask for your name and contact information along with your story, whether or not I know you, so that I can contact you again to keep you updated – though you can make a fake name if you prefer. Again, no stories will be read by anyone but me unless I email you and ask for your permission (and receive it).

I know these stories are a bit odd to tell – they are personal, and it is as hard to know what to include as what words to use to tell the story. For now, I encourage you to include as many details as you feel comfortable – we can always edit later.

I think this project is really exciting and I hope you’ll be a part of it. If you know anyone you think would be interested in contributing, please forward this email and attachment on to – we need all ages, races, classes, and identities. Thank you for your help!

Quotes and Resources

In case you aren’t convinced that the cultural absence of emphasis on female pleasure sort of a big deal - these people are:

"Although most boys figure out how to bring themselves to orgasm by age thirteen, half of girls don't have their first orgasm until their late teens, twenties, or beyond...The cultural focus on intercourse tells young women to expect they'll begin to experience sexual pleasure once they have sex with a man (whether or not they're even interested in sex with men). Nearly all teen boys, on the other hand, experience sexual pleasure long before they get their hands - or other body parts - into a partner's pants.

Despite the massive advances in women's equality, young women's sexuality is stuck in a surprising paradox. Young women are sold provocative clothes but aren't taught where to find their own clitoris. Many girls give their boyfriends oral sex, but are too uncomfortable with their own bodies to allow the guys to return the favor. It's still a radical act to say that women need and deserve access to information about their own sexual pleasure - not just about the risks and negative consequences of sex."

-Dorian Solot & Marshall Miller, I Heart Female Orgasm: An Extraordinary Orgasm Guide

"Lacking the words to describe our sexual desires and arousal, our feelings of desire, of wanting to connect physically and sexually, these feelings are often ‘translated’ into the more acceptable feelings of being wanted, words of romance, love intimacy, and even enticement...[We] are bombarded by media images that promote sexual availability but also clear social condemnation of girls and women who express sexual agency – who act on their own feelings and think of themselves as well as their partner in a sexual situations.

This script is so strongly sanctioned in our society that it produces tension between being sexy but not being sexual. And so it’s understandable that girls enter adulthood feeling confused and not knowing how to be sexual in a positive way. Our social scripts actually preempt basic recognition of our sexual needs or rights...Women are only taught how to say 'no,' not how to say 'yes.'"

-Deborah L. Tolman, Ed.D., Meg I. Striepe, Ph.D, and Lucia F. O’Sullivan, PhD. “How do we define sexual health for women?” The Complete Guide to Mental Health for Women

“Women [are taught to] to view their bodies as objects, things to be evaluated and commented upon. Women seem to relate to their bodies from the outside, as the image they see in a mirror or reflected in another’s eyes. Because women, from girlhood on, are constantly judged and evaluated on the basis of the appearance…they internalize such a perspective…[This] habitual self-monitoring of the body increases women’s shame and anxiety while reducing awareness of internal bodily states.

Looking at your body as an object is in contrast to relating to your body as a process, an experience rather than a thing. It’s the difference between ‘feeling strong’ and ‘looking good.’ When you feel strong, you’re aware of what your body can do; when you look good, you’re aware of your image.”

-Basow, Susan A., Ph.D. “Body Image.” The Complete Guide to Mental Health for Women

"This is what people don’t understand. That is part of the confusion and the shame. Most people want to know – was there penetration, was there intercourse, but what really destroys people with molestation is the shame, guilt, and confusion because most abusers are people you love. If someone is abusing or torturing you, causing you pain, you are far more likely to tell someone. But when you are a child, if you are seduced, and someone does it well, it feels good. And people say, if it felt good, you must have wanted it. And that is not the case. It’s abuse regardless of how it felt at the time that it was happening."

-Oprah Winfrey

"Suppressing female sexual agency is a key element of rape culture, and therefore...fostering genuine female sexual autonomy is necessary in fighting back against it...Clearly this is just one part of a much larger struggle - we don't believe that empowering female sexuality is the answer to dismantling rape culture, or that it will stop all rape, nor is sexual freedom the only cost of rape. But until we start shining a light on all the dark corners of sexual shame and blame projected onto us by American culture, we're going to keep spinning our wheels.”

-Jaclyn Friedman & Jessica Valenti. Yes Means Yes: Visions of Female Sexual Power & A World Without Rape.